Movie Review: Star Wars - The Clone Wars

I've said it before, I will say it again. CGI is not some magic wand the studio can wave to make their lack of animation talent and their sucktacular writing simply vanish and be replaced with quality film. Doesn't work that way. Can you hear me out there, George Lucas?

I have to admit, I didn't really go into Star Wars: The Clone Wars with a whole lot of high expectations. In fact, my expectations were quite low. And the movie still failed to even meet those pathetically low expectations. Oh well, I should be used to it by now after suffering through the edited re-releases of Episodes IV through VI, and the premieres of Episodes I through III. But I digress. I suppose I should give you an actual review of the movie, even though that just expands the amount of time I've wasted on it.

The Clone Wars follows the story of Obi-Wan, Anakin, and some orange chick as they try to rescue Jabba the Hutt's larvae. Really. Although there were a lot of blaster and lightsaber battles, the story just wasn't there. The characters were annoying too. Anakin complains the whole time, and the orange chick has some kind of teeny-bopper attitude going on. I half expected her to whip out a Nokia and start texting Anakin. OMG UR 2 KoOl with UR LiteSaber!!11! LOL k G2G!

The animation was heavily stylized, but wasn't very pretty or inspiring. It also certainly didn't break any technology barriers or wow me like Pixar movies always do. The characters weren't animated very much at all, and their faces seemed like rubber masks that stretched to make them talk and emote. Even characters with beards just had their beards painted on, and they stretched like skin. It's was kind of creepy. It's almost like this is the CGI equivalent of the old Speed Racer cartoons, where they moved the characters as little as possible to save on animation costs.

If you're a huge Star Wars fan, you'll probably find the movie entertaining enough. For anyone else though, it's a rental at best. I would classify The Clone Wars as a pretty good Saturday Morning Cartoon or a standard direct to DVD release. It's just not movie theater material.

SCORING: I give The Clone Wars 2 Agent Smiths out of a possible 5.